How to Lose Your Job

  1. Tell your boss the reason you were late was because you fancied a shag before work.
  2. Stumble back from lunch, two hours late, pissed as a fart chanting, "The Venga Bus is coming...".
  3. Fart out last nights vindaloo during an appraisal and turn round to sniff the seat.
  4. Photocopy your arse and pin it to the notice board.
  5. Ask the chief executive for some Rizlas.
  6. Grow a cannabis plant on your desk.
  7. Tell the boss you'll "Send the boys round" if they don't authorise your pay rise.
  8. Admit you traded in your company car for a two-week shag-fest in Ibiza.
  9. Set up your own S&M dungeon in the stationery cupboard.
  10. Bring a sleeping bag to work for those little afternoon naps!
  11. Pawn your computer because you're skint till payday.
  12. Ask the boss's wife "Have you noticed that one of your husbands balls hangs lower than the other".
  13. Call the boss to your desk, call him "Sonny" and tell him his work isn't up to scratch.
  14. Start a one-man/woman Mexican wave every time someone leaves their desk.